Eternal Wisdom

 DOWNWARD SPIRAL No matter what i do, it is not working as i would like people are not moving fast enough i feel anxious and distraught at my situation all i see is what is not working i feel stuck in a downward spiral no respit a pit in my stomach awwwerewgh why am i looking downward feel like i am falling to the ground i just feel like it is going so fast, that i am not able to stop my self feel something just below my ribs this is me not doing anything when i am going down i feel frozen not able to act. not being in my body feel something at the back of my left shoulder i dont care it says you can't get up. i need you you are trying to run away and abandon me you don't care about me can you love me? i don't kow how to i don't fee lit stop and look at me i can't  why not you have pushed people away from me i am alone because of you we are in this together i don't know how to help you can you just look at me i am scared to see your pain i know. that is what i w...

 what happened:  driver was parking the truck into a spot and another truck's trailer hit the side of my truck. The other guy's trailer is not damaged.      My initial Reaction:

I could be a honing device for what is wrong with this picture. Every time I walk into the my living room, I immediately focus on what wrong. Then, I walk into the kitchen and zero in on what is wrong. Actually, I feel it. I can feel objects taking up space and feel its energy. I have a picture in my mind. The picture is perfect. It is well painted, fresh, everything in its place, clean, smells nice, calm and quiet. It sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? Yep. I carry that picture with me all the time. Anytime I walk into the living room, I bring my picture out and compare it to the reality that I see in front of me. Over 99.9% of the time, my pictures do not match. What I see in my mind’s vision is so perfect, so wonderful that I almost want to run away from reality and live in. do you know why? Well, my mind has created a picture of what I want.  In fact, the mental image is always improving.  I realize that the reality will never match up ...

For years I have been yearning to be more, have more, do more so that people will notice me and I will finally arrive and be accounted for.  Some how, I have discounted myself to the point that a deep desire to be noticed, acknowledged and accepted has been burning inside of me.  I looked at all those icons, my idols in my own path to help me determine where I want to be.  Always working on chiseling away at all that is not me trying to craft a self that could shine flawlessly.  The people that I have idolized whether real or imagined have left an impression of what I am creating myself to become.  Some how, I never seemed to be enough just as I am.  As soon as I reach a step, I am looking for the next step, the next height to reach.  Always striving, moving on, always unfolding, reaching, stretching, never stopping.   In the beginning, I was anxious of where I was.  Never being good.  The road looked so long when I compared myself ...

 feeling crappy fear of saying something then regretting it apologizing for being myself stuck and can't get free waiting for things to change looking for help  take on someone's help to get free i can practice breathing  not feeling happy  balance - not in balance what can i do to get into a balanced state it would be good to redirect my attention to the center what is the center? center is where everything is ok and welcomed even if i am feeling crappy right now, it is a feeling that passes i am not crappy.  i feel crappy so, i am a person who feels crappy sometimes. well, that's better than being crappy. whew.  done with that.

There is a belief that is so strong inside of me that I cannot shake it. I simply don't want to fight or hurt anyone. Or at least, it is something I do not care to do directly (and really, I don't even want to do it indirectly).Today, I am trying to focus on how I can connect to others in loving light. Sometimes, I become defensive and it really hurts me. I know the pain is mine, but I am ready to just dish it out and hurt the person.   To give them a signal of 'do not mess with me'. I do realize this is a protection mode. I don't feel safe. I don't believe I can handle myself in a composed manner. I have taken what the other person is saying personally and I want it be known that they have hurt me and let them know that I put up my "KEEP AWAY" sign on.   So, why is it that I need this sign? Well, I don't know how to handle myself around this attack. I am ill equipped to handle these attacks. Maybe because I cannot even see that it is coming before...